keep 'em laughing

i was a very serious child.

this is probably mostly owing to the fact that i never felt like i fit in with my peer group.  i realize this is the oldest gay story in the book and i actually think that the reason i didn't fit in with kids was not my sexuality (the reason i didn't fit in with teenagers however...) i have always been told i was an "old soul," which i think was the original "it gets better."  i just plain did not get children. this is probably why i was always reading books that were way above my age level (to my parents great credit, the only one they ever took away was "the thornbirds." to my questionable credit, i never finished it after that).

my parents got a video camera in 1986 and there is this video of my brother's 2nd birthday a year later where i am overheard many times calling my mom "mother," and seriously intoning each request as if i'm a character in from a dicken's novel. i was 5.

(continue reading after the jump...)



when i was about 10, my mom and i were talking about my cousin, who is one of those very bubbly, very fun people who everyone likes being around (those sort are in short supply in my mother's family so the ones who are are very noteworthy). i remember this conversation vividly. it went as follows:

mom: she is so funny, she is such a character.
me: am i a character?
mom (who apparently had never heard of lying to your children to spare their feelings): no, you're more serious.

challenge accepted, mother.

from that day on, i was literally on a mission to make myself a character. it took many years to get there but it was finally achieved somewhere in college. i'd like to think that after that, i was funny for a long time. maybe not selling out the apollo funny, but funny enough to be identified by my loved ones as funny (including my mother, as she would later finally bequeath the title of "character" upon me. it was my greatest triumph).

then, circa 2009 to 2011, some not so awesome things happened and i became pretty depressed. i would alternate between nihilistic and morose, posting sad song lyrics or rants about the futility of life and love on facebook and being just generally difficult to get along with. and then one day, i said something so ridiculous to a friend of mine that i had to share it with the masses.

"i literally just said to someone: 'she's like the female version of me.'"

my post got something like 30 likes (the gratification... i live for the gratification) as well as several people saying how funny it was and suddenly, i remembered that i used to be funny. i realized that people really just want to laugh. so from that day on, i made a goal to only go for the funny. and now, with little exception, that is the philosophy by which i live my life (and facebook). 

because at the end of the day, all i want to be is a character.