don't try to put me in the box, i'm an enigma burrito wrapped up in a tortilla of mystery.
the latter is because i often spend a lot of time thinking about my family and perhaps more than usual this week because tomorrow my beloved brother is moving to his new job in chicago. i miss him already. but i'm actually not here to talk about that. that pain i shall continue to stuff down out of sight, repressing it in a completely healthy and normal german way.
the other reason i've been thinking about family recently was triggered by, of course, pop culture.
the twee-ist of all twee movies ever, "frances ha," came out recently and there was an article in entertainment weekly with greta gerwig about it in which she said: "I think when you’re in your late 20's, you realize that friends are not your family. They will go off and have a family of their own. You will go off and find your own family." (this is a direct quote, i actually looked it up to make sure i got it right).
ms. gerwig, i respectfully disagree.
(continued after the jump...)
actually, my first reaction upon reading this quote was, "obviously you are not gay."
i say that because as gay folk (oh, i'm gay, hope that's not a problem for anyone and if it is, oh well), we (and i realize i'm making generalizations here) have our blood families (who may or may not support us fully) and we have our chosen families (which, for too many in our community end up being our only families). i am related to many, many people who i not only have not seen in many, many years, but will likely never see again. we may share grandparents, but that doesn't make us family in the full sense of the word.
i would like to pause here to say i have a truly amazing set of parents, the world's greatest brother, and an uncle who is a second father to me. my relationships with my friends are not in any way meant to replace them or imply that i love them any less than i do, which is a great lot.
alternatively, i have friends to whom i am so close that while they may not meet the traditional definition of the word, "family" is the best description for how i feel about them. these are people with whom i celebrate life events, who are there for me when bad things happen and at the end of the day, they understand me and accept me for the little freak that i am (see earlier admission about the offspring).
i have a huge, amazing, gay (not all of them are actual homosexuals, some are just gay-adjacent) new york family, headed by two men who i literally could not love more if they were actually my brothers or uncles and not just chosen ones. they are collectors. they collect delightful, amazing people and they act as the glue that keeps us all together. we are a colorful group and we don't always see eye-to-eye but we love each other, we're there for each other, and we're a family.
not all of my chosen family members are gay or gay-adjacent.
this week marked the birthday of one of my favorite non-gays - my PIC (partner-in-crime). she and i have been friends since we interned together almost a decade ago. from nearly the first moment we met, we understood each other. we share a brain. she has a large, lovely, warm family including her very own husband (who i am also close with) and their very own amazing, perfect (this is not bias, she's perfect, ask anyone) child, who my PIC calls me "auntie" to. we may not be related, but i absolutely consider them to be my family. we have been there for each other through everything for almost a decade, despite distance, we confide in each other and we care deeply for each other. if that isn't family in the best possible sense, i don't know what is.
another person who i absolutely consider family is my beloved superwheat (i am not identifying people by actual name here because i have chosen to sacrifice a certain amount of privacy and anonymity by writing this blog, they have not). she and i have been in each other's lives for.... almost 15 years (for someone who moved around a lot, this is a very long time). she is married to a super lovely man who i adore. she and i are family. she and i are soulmates. we have not always had the best of times, there have been periods where we have had conflict and our relationship has definitely changed over the years, which i think is maybe what greta gerwig was trying to get at. but while it has changed, it has never ended and i say with great confidence that it never will. just last night, she and i were going on an epic tear on facebook about a show we mutually watch and mutually love. our exchange was littered with personal jokes and things that only she and i would find funny. i don't think (and i think she would agree with me here) that the fact that she went off and got married meant that she and i are no longer family. we'll be family until the end of time and then we'll haunt people together.
now in total and utter fairness, i have not actually seen "frances ha" (mostly because i rolled my eyes so hard at the black and white scene of her dancing while her friend plays the ukulele that they are permanently lodged in the back of my head), but if it's truly about the "realization that your friends are not your family," then it's definitely not for me.
because if it's okay with you, i'm just going to go on considering you (and many more people who i didn't even mention here) my family. i will celebrate your triumphs, and i'll be there to catch you when you fall.
all i ask in exchange is that you accept me... and my love of the offspring.
the other reason i've been thinking about family recently was triggered by, of course, pop culture.
the twee-ist of all twee movies ever, "frances ha," came out recently and there was an article in entertainment weekly with greta gerwig about it in which she said: "I think when you’re in your late 20's, you realize that friends are not your family. They will go off and have a family of their own. You will go off and find your own family." (this is a direct quote, i actually looked it up to make sure i got it right).
ms. gerwig, i respectfully disagree.
(continued after the jump...)
actually, my first reaction upon reading this quote was, "obviously you are not gay."
i say that because as gay folk (oh, i'm gay, hope that's not a problem for anyone and if it is, oh well), we (and i realize i'm making generalizations here) have our blood families (who may or may not support us fully) and we have our chosen families (which, for too many in our community end up being our only families). i am related to many, many people who i not only have not seen in many, many years, but will likely never see again. we may share grandparents, but that doesn't make us family in the full sense of the word.
i would like to pause here to say i have a truly amazing set of parents, the world's greatest brother, and an uncle who is a second father to me. my relationships with my friends are not in any way meant to replace them or imply that i love them any less than i do, which is a great lot.
alternatively, i have friends to whom i am so close that while they may not meet the traditional definition of the word, "family" is the best description for how i feel about them. these are people with whom i celebrate life events, who are there for me when bad things happen and at the end of the day, they understand me and accept me for the little freak that i am (see earlier admission about the offspring).
i have a huge, amazing, gay (not all of them are actual homosexuals, some are just gay-adjacent) new york family, headed by two men who i literally could not love more if they were actually my brothers or uncles and not just chosen ones. they are collectors. they collect delightful, amazing people and they act as the glue that keeps us all together. we are a colorful group and we don't always see eye-to-eye but we love each other, we're there for each other, and we're a family.
not all of my chosen family members are gay or gay-adjacent.
this week marked the birthday of one of my favorite non-gays - my PIC (partner-in-crime). she and i have been friends since we interned together almost a decade ago. from nearly the first moment we met, we understood each other. we share a brain. she has a large, lovely, warm family including her very own husband (who i am also close with) and their very own amazing, perfect (this is not bias, she's perfect, ask anyone) child, who my PIC calls me "auntie" to. we may not be related, but i absolutely consider them to be my family. we have been there for each other through everything for almost a decade, despite distance, we confide in each other and we care deeply for each other. if that isn't family in the best possible sense, i don't know what is.
another person who i absolutely consider family is my beloved superwheat (i am not identifying people by actual name here because i have chosen to sacrifice a certain amount of privacy and anonymity by writing this blog, they have not). she and i have been in each other's lives for.... almost 15 years (for someone who moved around a lot, this is a very long time). she is married to a super lovely man who i adore. she and i are family. she and i are soulmates. we have not always had the best of times, there have been periods where we have had conflict and our relationship has definitely changed over the years, which i think is maybe what greta gerwig was trying to get at. but while it has changed, it has never ended and i say with great confidence that it never will. just last night, she and i were going on an epic tear on facebook about a show we mutually watch and mutually love. our exchange was littered with personal jokes and things that only she and i would find funny. i don't think (and i think she would agree with me here) that the fact that she went off and got married meant that she and i are no longer family. we'll be family until the end of time and then we'll haunt people together.
now in total and utter fairness, i have not actually seen "frances ha" (mostly because i rolled my eyes so hard at the black and white scene of her dancing while her friend plays the ukulele that they are permanently lodged in the back of my head), but if it's truly about the "realization that your friends are not your family," then it's definitely not for me.
because if it's okay with you, i'm just going to go on considering you (and many more people who i didn't even mention here) my family. i will celebrate your triumphs, and i'll be there to catch you when you fall.
all i ask in exchange is that you accept me... and my love of the offspring.
I agree 100%. Blood relatives do not a family make. People who love and respect you, whether you share DNA or just a snippet of time, that's family.
ReplyDelete